By Zhang Lei
Discovering My Terminal Illness, Falling Into Desperation
In October of 2016, I began suffering from uremia, and after examination at several well-known hospitals in Beijing, I was diagnosed with severe kidney disease. There were only two treatments to keep me alive: One was a kidney transplant, and the other was dialysis. This result was nothing short of a death sentence for me. A kidney transplant was far beyond what I could afford as an ordinary laborer, so I didn’t even dare think about it. Dialysis, on the other hand, would cost more than 600 yuan per treatment, and I would require dialysis three times a week, which would mean I was spending nearly my husband’s entire monthly salary every week, and in the long run, our savings couldn’t support that level of expenditure for long. I couldn’t afford the cost of these two treatments at all. Without any other choice, I could only rely on Chinese medicine to relieve the pain.
While I took Chinese medicine, I also continued to entreat and pray to God, trusting in God as my sole support and hope as I desperately hoped for God to heal me. But after some time passed, my illness didn’t improve, and in fact got worse. I thought, “God loves man, and God can raise the dead, and in God’s hands my illness is not a difficult matter. But I’ve prayed to God, so why hasn’t my condition improved? And I suffered and worked quite a lot in the past, so why doesn’t God remember that and cure my disease?”
Comforted by God’s Word in My Misery
I lived in the pain of suffering from my illness and complaining against God. I was miserable, and I didn’t know how to experience my situation. In my weakness, I could only come before God to pray, tell God of my pain, and ask God to guide me and help me understand His will in these circumstances.
Later, I read God’s words, “People’s faith is required when something cannot be seen by the naked eye, and your faith is required when you cannot let go of your own notions. When you do not have clarity about God’s work, what is required of you is to have faith and to take a firm stance and stand witness. When Job reached this point, God appeared to him and spoke to him.” After reading God’s words, I understood that the circumstance of torment from my illness was God inspecting my faith and seeing whether I could stand firm and testify, not complain, and misunderstand God when I couldn’t see God’s deeds and my body suffered. Just as Job lost his great wealth, ten children, and was covered with boils, his loyalty to God did not change. He stood firm and gave beautiful, resonant testimony for God, as well as humiliated Satan and caused it to fail. This was true faith. But when I became sick, prayed to God, and was not healed, I was filled with complaints and had no faith, absolutely the opposite of what Job did. I thanked God for guiding me with His words when I was weak and using Job’s example to point out the path of practice so that I didn’t lose faith in God or deny God. I felt very encouraged, and wished to follow Job’s example, not lose faith because of my illness, and stand firm and testify.
Sick and Without Money for Treatment, at a Loss for Options
Half a month later, when I went to the hospital for another examination, the doctor looked at my medical history and physical condition and told me that my life would be in danger if I delayed treatment any longer. He told me to have my registration fee refunded and begin dialysis at once. After hearing the doctor, I felt very conflicted. Without dialysis, my condition would continue to deteriorate, and I would die, but even if I tried to get treatment, I couldn’t pay for it. My relatives and friends knew I had uremia, and that there was no end to the treatment fees, so they all stayed far away…. The weight of suffering, the threat of death, and my financial constraints, weighed down my heart with hopelessness and sadness! I sat numbly on the stool in the hospital corridor, feeling weak and unable to stop crying out to God, “God! Is my life really coming to an end? I have been taking Chinese medicine all this time, without interruption, and praying to You every day, yet despite this my condition has not improved, but worsened. God, I don’t know what to do now, and I ask for Your enlightenment so that I may understand Your will.”
After praying, I felt a little calmer. I thought of a passage of God’s words, “There are still those today who believe in God according to letters and in hollow doctrine. They do not know that they lack the essence of belief in God, and they cannot receive God’s approval. Still they pray to God for blessings of safety and sufficient grace. Let us stop, quiet our hearts, and ask ourselves: Can it be that believing in God really is the easiest thing on earth? Can it be that believing in God means nothing more than receiving much grace from God? Are people who believe in God without knowing Him or who believe in God and yet oppose Him really able to satisfy the will of God?” Faced with God’s words, I felt very ashamed. I realized that I believed in God only to gain blessings, rather than to gain God’s approval. God requires that we love God with all our heart, soul, and effort, satisfy God with a pure heart, be able to hear and practice God’s words. But since I began believing in God, I worked, forsook, and expended tirelessly to spread the gospel, and used the price I had paid as capital to trade for God’s greater blessings. What I did was to satisfy myself, to achieve the purpose of gaining blessings. Therefore, when my suffering did not gain God’s blessings, but instead earned me illness, I was disheartened and complained against God. This was caused by my mistaken notions about God. I thought of how Job lost his great wealth and was covered in boils, but was still able to speak such testimony as “Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?” (Job 2:10). Peter was also crucified upside down and died obediently for God. They were both able to cast aside their own interests to satisfy, obey, and fear God. These were truly people with faith in God and testimony. I believed in God not to be considerate of God’s will, to fulfil my duties as a created being, or to satisfy God’s requirements, but instead to trade with God everywhere in an attempt to gain more benefits. These pursuits and views were absolutely incorrect, and were far too selfish! The more I thought, the more I felt I owed God. I had believed in God for years and read much of God’s word, but I wasn’t capable of practicing God’s word. I was truly unworthy of God’s salvation of me or to live in God’s presence. I thought about another passage of God’s words, “When you face suffering, you must be able to lay aside concern for the flesh and to not make complaints against God. When God hides Himself from you, you must be able to have the faith to follow Him, to maintain your previous love without allowing it to falter or dissipate. No matter what God does, you must submit to His design and be prepared to curse your own flesh rather than make complaints against Him. When you are faced with trials, you must satisfy God, though you may weep bitterly or feel reluctant to part with some beloved object. Only this is true love and faith.” God’s words truly were timely provision, because they made me understand that my faith is insincere if I only follow God in comfortable circumstances. Such love of God cannot stand up to tests, difficult circumstances always reveal our real spiritual stature. Only people who truly believe in God and practice God’s words are willing to suffer to satisfy God no matter what the circumstances. They can produce sincere testimony, and they are the people who God wants to save. God’s words gave me a clear direction. I was ready to change my mistaken views, let go of my desire for blessings, and truly pursue satisfying God. I would be grateful for each day of life God granted me, and if God wanted me to die, that was also God’s righteousness. When I understood these things, I didn’t suffer such constraints from my severe illness, and I felt a great deal of relaxation and release.
So, I prayed earnestly to God in my heart, “God! Thank You for Your enlightenment and illumination. Although I have followed You for many years, I have only now seen my mistaken ideas of pursuit. If not for this disease, I would never have known that what I expended and the price I paid for You was to trade with You. I now wish to let go of my mistaken pursuits, put my life in Your hands, and submit to Your orchestrations. I know Your love and salvation is present in all You do to me! I wish to follow the examples of Job and Peter, submit to Your orchestrations and arrangements, never complain even if I am required to die, never betray You, stand firm and testify for You, and humiliate Satan. Amen!” After I prayed, I felt much more secure.
Understanding God’s Orchestrations, No Longer Worrying About Dialysis
When I returned home, I prayed again to tell God about my condition, and to say that I was willing to let God lead me, that I would submit even if it meant my death, and that I would no longer make any unreasonable demands of God. After praying, I thought of these words of God, “Of everything that occurs in the universe, there is nothing in which I do not have the final say. Is there anything that is not in My hands?” “God is responsible for every single human life and He is responsible to the very end. God provides for you, and even if, in this environment destroyed by Satan, you have been sickened or polluted or violated, it does not matter—God will provide for you, and God will let you live on. Do you have faith in this? (Yes.) God does not lightly allow a human being to die.” God’s words gave me great comfort. God rules over everything, my life and death were in God’s hands, and if God didn’t allow me to die, I wouldn’t, but if my life was at its end, no amount of money could save me. None of this were things humans have any say in, not even the doctor. Although I had uremia, which is difficult to cure, if God didn’t permit me to die, I wouldn’t die no matter whether or not I had money, and I should have faith in that fact. At this moment, I only wanted to entrust myself to God and obey God’s orchestrations and arrangements.
After I submitted, I heard during a chance encounter from a fellow patient that if I went back to where my hukou is registered, the cost of each treatment would be about 200 yuan. I did the math, and between our savings and my husband’s monthly salary, I could afford treatment for a while. I also brought this matter before God and prayed. Prayer made me feel very secure, and after I spoke with my husband, we returned to our hometown. I was surprised to discover that from the day I began dialysis, it began to be offered for free. I knew clearly that this was no coincidence, but that God had opened the way for me. God says, “Since the day man came into existence, God has ever worked thus, managing the universe, directing the rules of change for all things and the trajectory of their movement. Like all things, man is quietly and unknowingly nourished by the sweetness and rain and dew from God; like all things, man unknowingly lives beneath the orchestration of God’s hand. Man’s heart and spirit are held in the hand of God, everything of his life is beheld in the eyes of God. Regardless of whether or not you believe this, any and all things, whether living or dead, will shift, change, renew, and disappear in accordance with God’s thoughts. Such is the way in which God presides over all things.” God created everything, dominates the rules of existence for all things both alive and without life, and all are contained within God’s orchestrations and arrangements. Everyone’s thoughts and ideas, every move, and every situation in life, are also subject to God’s observation. When I was no longer constrained by my illness and was willing to let go of my desire to bargain with God and obey His orchestrations, God arranged people, matters, and things to aid me, so that I could get dialysis without spending money. I felt that God was by my side at all times, caring for my weakness, guiding me, helping me, and opening the way for me.
My Condition Improved Much, Boundless Gratitude
When I arrived at the dialysis lab, I saw many patients, tormented by their disease, their faces as dark as mine, and suffering the same weakness and helplessness I endured. My condition was the most serious of all of us, but I was surprised to discover that I recovered faster than anyone. In just a few months, my condition improved, I became fat, the head nurse said I looked radiant, and everyone who knew me said I looked like a different person. A man who accompanied his wife to dialysis curiously asked me, “What health supplements are you taking? You’ve recovered so well, and you have such a healthy glow in your face!” I said, “I haven’t taken any health supplements, and I don’t like to eat meat and eggs. The fact that I’m alive today is entirely thanks to the grace of God!” Then, my heart was filled with gratitude to God! I knew that this was God’s mercy and salvation!
God says, “Almighty God is an all-powerful physician! To dwell in sickness is to be sick, but to dwell in the spirit is to be well.” “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God” (Luke 4:4). As I contemplate God’s words, when I recall how God had guided me out of my illness, I often cry tears of endless gratitude before God! It was God’s words of life that gave me guidance at the right moment to enable me to stand firm before my monstrous illness. When I was terminally sick and extremely weak, God’s words gave me faith. When the doctor said that I was seriously ill and could die at any moment, when I was desperate, God used His words to guide me and tell me that my view of belief in God for gaining blessings was wrong. When I turned to God and was willing to obey God, God arranged people, matters, and things to heal me, and my severe uremia was miraculously cured. This experience made me truly feel God’s wondrous deed.
Today, my health is improving, and I have taken up duties in the church. I treasure more than ever the second life God has given me. Every day I can look at this green world and enjoy the things God has created and the bountiful provision of God’s words, and I can do my part to spread God’s gospel. I think I am the most blessed person in the world! In the light of the future, I wish to do my utmost in my duties to testify the work God did in me and His salvation to more people to repay God’s love for me. All glory be to God!