By Xinjing
My mom became a Christian when I was little. Every time she had the chance she would share the gospel with me. She told me that we were created by God, that our fates were all within God’s hands, and we should have faith in God and worship Him. But every time I would retort without hesitation: “Our fates are within our own hands, and I believe that I can only build a good future by relying on my own hard work!” However, something I never could have imagined happened just as I was struggling to attain my own ideals …
One day in October 2015, I discovered a bean-sized lump in my throat on the lower right hand side and within just one night, that lump had grown to the size of a fist. It was hard as a rock. Then another lump grew on the left hand side. My family rushed to take me to the county hospital for an examination, and tests came back as suspected lymphoma, requiring a biopsy procedure. The doctor said that the mortality rate for lymphoma is really high, and even with treatment it’s just a short-term fix to extend someone’s life. I was dumbfounded when I heard the news and couldn’t help but start to cry. I was so young. I had a young child who was just six months old—how would my husband manage with such a small child? Plus I wouldn’t be able to take care of my parents in their old age. … I didn’t dare continue down that line of thinking.
My family later took me to a city hospital for the biopsy, and while waiting for the results to come back the tumor just kept on growing. It applied pressure just like a rock and the pain was hard to bear. The lumps on both sides grew to the point that they were even with my shoulders and my neck couldn’t even be seen. I was growing more afraid by the day. My mom saw how serious my condition was and told me: “Xinjing, pray to God and lean on Him! It’s not the doctors who determine if you can recover from your illness, it’s God.” Hearing her say this and then considering my condition, I finally started to pray to God and hand the matter over to Him.
After the results of my biopsy came back the doctor told me I should be admitted to the hospital right away because of the complexities of my condition, so I could get a PET-CT (a full-body scan). But the tumor had been pressing on my artery for so long, causing terrible pain in my arms just like being stabbed with thousands of needles. It was so painful that I couldn’t even tolerate it for a single minute, and the PET-CT required me to lie completely still for as long as 20 minutes. I simply couldn’t do it. At that moment I really felt how small and fragile I was and that I had no way to withstand that kind of suffering. It was then that I felt that only God could save me! I closed my eyes and prayed over and over again, “Oh God, save me….” Before I knew it, 20 minutes had gone by, and I surprisingly wasn’t in pain. It was so incredible—God really had heard my prayer!
I had been in the hospital for more than two weeks and the tumor was growing and growing. It was pressing down on my lungs and causing fluid to collect in my lungs to the point that breathing was becoming more and more difficult by the day, and I felt like I had a large stone pressing down on my chest so that I couldn’t get a good breath. It was so suffocating that I would even wake up every few minutes and I had to forcefully inhale to get a breath. As my condition became more serious I started to fall into states of confusion. One time when I came to a bit, I thought of a line from God’s words that my mother had shared with me: “So long as you still have one breath, God will not let you die.” I grasped at these words like a lifeline, and in my heart called out continuously: “Oh God, I’m in so much pain now. I won’t be able to carry on much longer! I beg You to save me….” After this prayer I felt my breathing gradually become easier and the pain dissipate. At some point, I actually fell into sleep.
Results later came back showing that not only did I have lymphoma, but also lymph node tuberculosis. The experts said that they had never seen a situation like mine. They just had me take a few days of anti-tuberculosis medication and then start chemotherapy. As soon as the chemo treatment started I began to cough and had a hard time breathing. I had to put an oxygen mask on to breathe, and even after that I got an infection and had a fever of 41.8 degrees Celsius.
During this time the doctor gave my family members three different critical condition notifications so they would take me home and make funeral preparations, and that if they were determined to continue with treatment I would need to be sent to the ICU. Hearing that, I silently prayed to God: “Oh God, I believe that my life is in Your hands. If You would have me die, going to the ICU will be useless. If You don’t allow me to die, I won’t die anywhere. I believe that only You can save me!” I felt a strong sense of peace in my heart after praying. I also slept better than I had before, and when I was conscious I prayed nonstop. After every prayer I felt like I had more strength.
I started out as the patient in the worst condition on the entire ward, but unexpectedly, three days later my fever miraculously receded. After that chemotherapy went better and better each time, and after four treatments I got another PET-CT. One day when I was lying in the hospital bed with an IV drip of chemotherapy in my arm, the doctor came over and said to me, smiling: “Congratulations. You are now free of major tumors and you’ll be fine with just four more consolidation chemo treatments. This turnaround really is a miracle! There was once a star who was in the same condition as you, who had a great deal of money, but in the end she still died.” I was incredibly excited when I heard this. I really never imagined that such a serious medical condition could see a turn for the better, that I would have a chance at survival! I knew that this was God’s wondrous protection; I gave thanks to God over and over. When my mother heard the good news she said to me excitedly: “Xinjing, you’ve gotten better so quickly—this is entirely because of God’s love! The older lady in this ward has the same thing as you that’s still in an early stage, but it’s just getting worse, even with chemotherapy. When you came in the doctors said that it wasn’t worth treating, that it would just be a waste of money. But now they’ve said that your recovery is a miracle—isn’t this what God has done?” I nodded and acknowledged her words, and quietly set my resolve: After getting out of the hospital I will have faith in and follow God to repay His love for me!
After I got out I started officially attending gatherings, and when my brothers and sisters heard my story, they all gave thanks and praise for God’s almightiness. One day I saw these words from God: “Like all things, man is quietly and unknowingly nourished by the sweetness and rain and dew from God; like all things, man unknowingly lives beneath the orchestration of God’s hand. Man’s heart and spirit are held in the hand of God, everything of his life is beheld in the eyes of God. Regardless of whether or not you believe this, any and all things, whether living or dead, will shift, change, renew, and disappear in accordance with God’s thoughts. Such is the way in which God presides over all things.”
His words couldn’t have been more right—I was thoroughly convinced. My fate certainly is in God’s hands; I don’t have a grasp on it at all! My mother had shared the gospel with me so many times before but I didn’t pay any attention, time after time refusing God’s salvation and living based on the idea that “my fate is in my own hands,” thinking that I could build a happy home by relying on my own two hands. I only ever thought about how to earn more money. But when I became ill, there was no way for me to save myself, and the money I had earned couldn’t save me either. Even the doctors’ hands were tied and they said there was no hope. However, God did not fail to save me just because I was hardened and rebellious—when I prayed and called out to Him, He cared for me and had mercy on me. He saved me from the brink of death and allowed me to truly experience His almightiness and salvation. In the face of illness and death, only God was my rock. From now on I will obey God’s rule and arrangements, and I will no longer rely on my own two hands and my own struggle for my destiny.